I DID IT

I did it. I have successfully completed my first surprise week as a full-time City Director. I say surprise because my boss went into labor and birthed her child (a beautiful baby girl) one month sooner than expected. This meant that my longer term position here (as her stand in for maternity leave) happened one month faster than expected.

This means I pretty much wore the same thing 3 days straight, used Starbucks French Roast to stay awake, kept my hair as manageable as possible (braids braids braids), and have large bags under my eyes for the first time (ain't no under eye concealer going to cover these bad boys). All while blasting worship music as I figured things out. Typical.

Luckily God is SO GOOD ALL THE TIME and I was showered with mercy this week.

Sites cancelled, but better ones became available.
The people I emailed, emailed me back (this is a big deal).
The baby, mom, and dad are all healthy and well!
I have great roommates and friends who are willing to help out.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28



Today I was able to be in the Tenderloin to deliver meals. As I waited for my group in the lobby, I started people watching. I put my phone away (which unfortunately is usually my way of getting out of making eye contact) and noticed a blind man walking out from the lobby onto the sidewalk. He just stood there with that white and red stick and called out to people as they walked by because he thought he knew them. They looked at him like he was crazy and just kept walking. These weren't white rich people, they were neighbors in the TL like him. I don't know why it affected me so much, or what God was trying to show me through this, but I just felt the weight of depravity SO much in that one situation.


I'm glad God isn't done working on me. I'm glad that my heart still beats and breaks.

Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller

"What is an idol? It is anything more important to you than God, anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God, anything you seek to give you what only God can give."

"The most painful times in our lives are times in which our idols are being threatened or removed....Something is safe for us to maintain in our lives only if it has really stopped being an idol. That can happen only when we are truly willing to live without it, when we truly say from the heart: 'Because I have God, I can live without you.'"

"When people say, "I know God forgives me, but I can't forgive myself," they mean that they have failed an idol, whose approval is more important to them than God's."

"Idolatry is not just a failure to obey God, it is a setting of the whole heart on something besides God. This cannot be remedied only by repenting that you have an idol, or using willpower to try to live differently. Turning from idols is not less than those two things, but it is also far more. Jesus must become more beautiful to your imagination, more attractive to your heart, than your idol. That is what will replace your counterfeit god. "

pray for these faces.

pray for these kids. there are going to be a lot of transitions for them in the upcoming week and they need to be covered and supported in prayer.

thanks friends.

absent.

I am not doing a great job at regularly updating this thing. But I have several reasons why I haven't gotten around to an adequate update.

1. I've finished reading these:

2. I've had visitors!

3. And basically just spending time exploring San Francisco more. Got a library card, found my favorite coffee shop, etc.

Real update soon. Maybe.

SUMMER STAFF

i like these people. mmm.

c o n v i c t i o n

I stayed up pretty late last night talking to God. I had just read a blog post by a professor from Biola about big prayers vs. small prayers. The post started off by saying "what we pray for is usually what we live for."

That was convicting to say the least.

I look at my prayers for the last month: health, safety, friendships, etc. All good things. But where are my prayers for health followed by "so that I can do God's work with full passion and energy to never give up pursuing the declaration of His name." Or for friendships followed by "so that the body of Christ would work together to glorify Him, attack sin, and pursue purity and righteousness in all truth and love."

Where are my prayers for the people I meet besides just a name drop or "Lord be with Ben"? Where do I write or say "God I hate injustice and hate that people like Ben are unable to work and have the comforts of a warm bed and security. I hate Lord that people walk by him thinking he is dirty and scary. Lord I hate the injustice. Redeem Ben, redeem humanity, stir up a deep desire for compassion within us to look upon injustice with hatred and look towards You alone for a solution. To rely on You for full compassion and rely on You for grace and mercy in this."

What we pray for is usually what we live for.

bad good week? good bad week?

I'm not sure yet how to classify this week/weekend. A really good, bad week. Or a really bad, good week.

I went home for a break between spring and summer season, and while it was nice to see some of my friends.....the majority of it felt rushed. I realized a week isn't long enough to see everyone I want or do all the things I hoped to do. I didn't even get to play with my pups Kanye and Zac. I wanted to spend more time just lounging around and finishing books on my reading list.

Instead I saw two different people each day all week for frozen yogurt, coffee, beach trips, youth night, hanging out, lunch, etc. I was exhausted by the time I drove back and wasn't really ready to leave. (I decided the next time I come home, I'm not telling people.)

At the same time, I was done and ready to come back to the bay. This place has been my home for the last month, and it has been a really good home to me. I have roommates that all love Jesus and serving Him, my bosses pray for me before I start a new task or errand or host a group, etc. The other day in the office, Kim got an email about some housing stuff in another city where CSM has a base, asked us (her husband and myself) immediately to stop and pray for them. Really?! I also may have mentioned this before, but the last church that came made me feel so at home with their group. I was included in and welcomed so quickly by them as their sister and it was comforting as I was getting especially homesick the last week. I think God has used them tremendously to show me what 'family' means among believers.

__________________________________________

This week, after leaving home, I've felt the difference of being here and being 'home'......
Here I'm serving churches, focusing on Jesus for strength/energy, and realizing all the things about this city that I love. Each time I cross over the bay bridge into the city I think to myself "I will never get tired of this view." I love this place. I love getting other people to love this place. I love feeling unsafe and uncomfortable here. It reminds me that this world is not my home.

Then immediately I feel the attack of ish that is left behind.
I've been wrestling in prayer about the bonds I created with students I used to disciple and no longer can, and feeling the anger and frustration towards me because of that. I struggle at home with feeling so comfortable and complacent that my need for Jesus isn't that present. I struggle with friends moving on and losing that extra ear to ask for prayer. I think I'm scared that home isn't home anymore.


Example of the double life I feel like I'm living:
I fell asleep last night after seeing something stupid and dumb on facebook that includes friends back home. It immediately put me in a sour mood for the night/morning. I asked for prayer from my prayer partners. Then I'm in the city all day today with brothers and sisters who are doing amazing things and saying insightful things. I return to texts from my other brothers and sisters from last week encouraging me and reminding me of God's redemption.

It's just a hard balance right now.
I want to cry and shout for joy at the same time.

This has been a bad good week.