I went home for a break between spring and summer season, and while it was nice to see some of my friends.....the majority of it felt rushed. I realized a week isn't long enough to see everyone I want or do all the things I hoped to do. I didn't even get to play with my pups Kanye and Zac. I wanted to spend more time just lounging around and finishing books on my reading list.
Instead I saw two different people each day all week for frozen yogurt, coffee, beach trips, youth night, hanging out, lunch, etc. I was exhausted by the time I drove back and wasn't really ready to leave. (I decided the next time I come home, I'm not telling people.)
At the same time, I was done and ready to come back to the bay. This place has been my home for the last month, and it has been a really good home to me. I have roommates that all love Jesus and serving Him, my bosses pray for me before I start a new task or errand or host a group, etc. The other day in the office, Kim got an email about some housing stuff in another city where CSM has a base, asked us (her husband and myself) immediately to stop and pray for them. Really?! I also may have mentioned this before, but the last church that came made me feel so at home with their group. I was included in and welcomed so quickly by them as their sister and it was comforting as I was getting especially homesick the last week. I think God has used them tremendously to show me what 'family' means among believers.
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This week, after leaving home, I've felt the difference of being here and being 'home'......
Here I'm serving churches, focusing on Jesus for strength/energy, and realizing all the things about this city that I love. Each time I cross over the bay bridge into the city I think to myself "I will never get tired of this view." I love this place. I love getting other people to love this place. I love feeling unsafe and uncomfortable here. It reminds me that this world is not my home.
Then immediately I feel the attack of ish that is left behind.
I've been wrestling in prayer about the bonds I created with students I used to disciple and no longer can, and feeling the anger and frustration towards me because of that. I struggle at home with feeling so comfortable and complacent that my need for Jesus isn't that present. I struggle with friends moving on and losing that extra ear to ask for prayer. I think I'm scared that home isn't home anymore.
Example of the double life I feel like I'm living:
I fell asleep last night after seeing something stupid and dumb on facebook that includes friends back home. It immediately put me in a sour mood for the night/morning. I asked for prayer from my prayer partners. Then I'm in the city all day today with brothers and sisters who are doing amazing things and saying insightful things. I return to texts from my other brothers and sisters from last week encouraging me and reminding me of God's redemption.
It's just a hard balance right now.
I want to cry and shout for joy at the same time.
This has been a bad good week.
