honor/shame in the ghetto.

I had an incredible experience yesterday. It's long, but worth it.

Background: The other hosts, directors, and myself worked yesterday at a ministry site called 'Project Open Hands' which delivers hot meals to people living with HIV/AIDs living in SRO's. SRO stands for 'single room occupancy' and is basically a really shabby apartment in the skid row of SF. They usually don't have bathrooms or kitchens in the room, but are shared on the floor kind of like a dorm. They aren't glamorous at all. The average rent for one in SF is 450-700/month. People living in them are usually on social security with SS checks being on average 650/month. Which doesn't leave a lot of extra cash. Because they are only a bedroom (literally the size of most American's walk in closest), the people spend a lot of time on the street in front of the buildings; the street is kind of like their living room.
The director of Project Open Hand/POH also told us that some of them may be bed ridden, hard of hearing, seriously ill, unable to walk, etc. All reasons they needed to have meals delivered. Like I said, POH only serves these meals to those living with HIV/AIDs. If anyone else (seniors, etc) want to get involved, they direct them to 'Meals on Wheels.'

My Story: Kelly and I were navigating around the area to get to each building to deliver a specific meal to each person. Some of them had special diets they needed to follow and had meals that worked with those diets. We delivered about 16 meals total in about 10 blocks. We'd knock, say "meal delivery," be greeted quickly, hand over the meal, and depart. These buildings smelled awful (luckily I've been pretty stuffy lately so I couldn't tell as much), the carpet is worn out, most of the elevators they have don't work so we climb 7 flights of stairs, etc.
I would say about half of the tenants would open the door almost fully, physically take the meal, look us in the eye with a big smile, and say thank you. The other half would ask 'who's there' with anger in their voice, slightly open the door, literally only reach out their arm, take the meal, and shut the door without saying a word. I didn't think too much of the 2nd half of people because I was so proud of bringing joy to those in the first category. We finished, met up with the rest of the leaders who all did different routes, then headed to Indian dinner for the night.
Later at home, it was Sherri's turn to practice a 'debrief' session with us. One of the questions she brought up was "What did you think when the people wouldn't open the door, just grab the meal without saying thank you? Did you think they were ungrateful." And that's where my mind started spinning and processing (I literally couldn't sleep because of this question). My knee jerk reaction was to say 'No, they weren't ungrateful" but I didn't know why, so I verbally processed it (what I do best) with the group.

My Thoughts (the good stuff): So I imagined if I were to be in their situation, which way would I react to this simple meal delivery? I don't think I would open the door. I think I would keep it closed, reach out my hand, and shut it as soon as possible. There's shame that comes with asking for help. How humiliating and shameful to have a meal delivered because I'm incapable of making it/getting it myself. How humiliating that the reason I'm in this program is because I am HIV+. How humiliating is it that I'm a 30 something ill black man with a Kobe Bryant magazine cover taped on my door (true story, he was on my route) , getting my meals delivered by a young, vibrant 22 year old white girl who hasn't had an illness worse than tonsillitis. I wouldn't open that door. I wouldn't be vulnerable. I don't even know if I'd be grateful.
This goes back to the idea of honor and shame in society. We're told to "be independent and work hard for our possessions, people who don't follow this ideal are lazy." That these people are "useless to society so let's separate them from the rest of us. Get them out of our sight."
Something I read and highlighted in my one year devotional book that same morning before even knowing what I was about to do....
"Many think that the glory of God is reflected in great cathedrals, and perhaps it is. But it is also reflected in the slums of third-world mega cities and the mental hospitals of postwar generations. The cathedrals allow observers to praise man's ingenuity; the slums and wards are so dreadful that any evidence of God in them is clear. No one has trouble finding light when all else is dark. Don't strive for the glory of God by reaching for the heights. Seek it by plunging into the depths. Show His love to broken sinners; proclaim His mercy in trash-filled streets; and shine your light in dark ghettos. Jesus dove deep for us. He calls us to dive deep for Him."
I spent quite a bit of time talking to Jesus about this because I still couldn't comprehend the importance of this experience in my life. Jesus what do YOU think of these people? What do you think of where they live? Of their attention? Of their disease?

Pray for these people. I just saw a minute of their life, I don't know their stories or what their days are like. Pray that God would radically transform them! Pray that by the end of my time here, delivering on this same route with the groups, that all the doors would be fully opened and that I would see evidence of God in these places. My heart is broken for them and I think anyone doing that would feel the same.


Pray for Kobe Bryant, room 301.