SUMMER STAFF

i like these people. mmm.

c o n v i c t i o n

I stayed up pretty late last night talking to God. I had just read a blog post by a professor from Biola about big prayers vs. small prayers. The post started off by saying "what we pray for is usually what we live for."

That was convicting to say the least.

I look at my prayers for the last month: health, safety, friendships, etc. All good things. But where are my prayers for health followed by "so that I can do God's work with full passion and energy to never give up pursuing the declaration of His name." Or for friendships followed by "so that the body of Christ would work together to glorify Him, attack sin, and pursue purity and righteousness in all truth and love."

Where are my prayers for the people I meet besides just a name drop or "Lord be with Ben"? Where do I write or say "God I hate injustice and hate that people like Ben are unable to work and have the comforts of a warm bed and security. I hate Lord that people walk by him thinking he is dirty and scary. Lord I hate the injustice. Redeem Ben, redeem humanity, stir up a deep desire for compassion within us to look upon injustice with hatred and look towards You alone for a solution. To rely on You for full compassion and rely on You for grace and mercy in this."

What we pray for is usually what we live for.

bad good week? good bad week?

I'm not sure yet how to classify this week/weekend. A really good, bad week. Or a really bad, good week.

I went home for a break between spring and summer season, and while it was nice to see some of my friends.....the majority of it felt rushed. I realized a week isn't long enough to see everyone I want or do all the things I hoped to do. I didn't even get to play with my pups Kanye and Zac. I wanted to spend more time just lounging around and finishing books on my reading list.

Instead I saw two different people each day all week for frozen yogurt, coffee, beach trips, youth night, hanging out, lunch, etc. I was exhausted by the time I drove back and wasn't really ready to leave. (I decided the next time I come home, I'm not telling people.)

At the same time, I was done and ready to come back to the bay. This place has been my home for the last month, and it has been a really good home to me. I have roommates that all love Jesus and serving Him, my bosses pray for me before I start a new task or errand or host a group, etc. The other day in the office, Kim got an email about some housing stuff in another city where CSM has a base, asked us (her husband and myself) immediately to stop and pray for them. Really?! I also may have mentioned this before, but the last church that came made me feel so at home with their group. I was included in and welcomed so quickly by them as their sister and it was comforting as I was getting especially homesick the last week. I think God has used them tremendously to show me what 'family' means among believers.

__________________________________________

This week, after leaving home, I've felt the difference of being here and being 'home'......
Here I'm serving churches, focusing on Jesus for strength/energy, and realizing all the things about this city that I love. Each time I cross over the bay bridge into the city I think to myself "I will never get tired of this view." I love this place. I love getting other people to love this place. I love feeling unsafe and uncomfortable here. It reminds me that this world is not my home.

Then immediately I feel the attack of ish that is left behind.
I've been wrestling in prayer about the bonds I created with students I used to disciple and no longer can, and feeling the anger and frustration towards me because of that. I struggle at home with feeling so comfortable and complacent that my need for Jesus isn't that present. I struggle with friends moving on and losing that extra ear to ask for prayer. I think I'm scared that home isn't home anymore.


Example of the double life I feel like I'm living:
I fell asleep last night after seeing something stupid and dumb on facebook that includes friends back home. It immediately put me in a sour mood for the night/morning. I asked for prayer from my prayer partners. Then I'm in the city all day today with brothers and sisters who are doing amazing things and saying insightful things. I return to texts from my other brothers and sisters from last week encouraging me and reminding me of God's redemption.

It's just a hard balance right now.
I want to cry and shout for joy at the same time.

This has been a bad good week.

be encouraged.

This is the last week of our spring season. After Saturday, I pack up, say goodbye, and head home for a week. It's bizarre. I'm co-hosting this week's group with Kelly, in the pic above. She's also staying this summer. She also is gracious enough to let me borrow her north face jackets anytime I please because I still cannot get used to the wind.

I couldn't have asked for a better last group though. Seriously. This group is from Fremont which is only 20 minutes south of Oakland. They are so goofy and fun and biblical and optimistic. My kind of people. This week is only halfway through and I really don't know if I could have ended on a better note.

Things that have encouraged me this week (yes, imma brag):

-The youth pastor of the Fremont group asked me bright and early Monday morning how their church (the ones on the actual mission trip) can be praying for me this week. When you hear something like that, you already know your group is gonna be awesome.

-A youth pastor I previously worked with my sophomore year at biola, from long beach, is here this week with his youth group. We caught up and chatted about ministry styles and the changes in their own group. I forgot how awesome and pleasant he was to talk to and was able to chat for about 30 minutes with him. He totally encouraged me in saying that he enjoyed having me work there so much because I brought a personality with me that they had never been able to get with other leaders and that I did a great job at leading my small group.

-One of the workers at the salvation army, Richard, said I was a great leader and knew that whenever I was bringing groups there they were in good hands.

-My aunt Julie replied to an email update saying how proud she was of me and knew that I would be doing an amazing job here and 'they' would love me.

-Adieba, my girl from the rescue mission who wrote that poem I posted a few entries back, straight up told me I was 'her girl' and her favorite. I HAVE ARRIVED.

-Awesome people asking how they can pray for me. Deb, this includes you.

-Jesus being good and allowing me to fully enjoy this week and my hosts and Him! Taste and see that He is good!


SO MUCH ENCOURAGEMENT! And all within like, 2 days!
I'm ready to finish strong.

IDOLATRY

Awhile back I browsed through this article about how to identify your idols and was wanting to take the time to sit down and read it and really ask myself these questions.

Needless to say I got caught up with work and life and friends that I didn't come back to it.

Of course, God was like "No Heezy, you are going to face idols and realize I am Lord."
And of course when you are stubborn the first couple of times, the truth hits you hard and in the face and is painful and embarrassing.

So the last few weeks idolatry and idols have been on my mind. I've been thinking about my own life and the things I value and trust in to bring me joy, comfort, love, security, acceptance, etc. I don't want to put my hope in things and people that aren't Jesus. I want to find that balance of deeply caring for others and valuing friendships without making those people the ones I place my hope in.

I bought The Imitation of Christ by Thomas A. Kempis a month ago and have been reading it through it rather slowly, but today was just a bunch of nuggets of good wisdom.

"When a man comes to that point of perfection in which he seeks his consolation in no created thing, then God begins first to taste sweet to him, and then will such a man be content with anything that comes to him, whether he like it or not."

"Turn yourself, therefore, with all your heart to God, and forsake this wretched world, and you will soon find great inward rest."

"Give to Christ, therefore, free entrance into your heart, and keep out all things that withstand His entrance. When you have Him, you are rich enough, and He alone will be sufficient to you."

"Put your full trust, therefore, in God. Let Him be your love and fear above all things, and He will answer for you, and will do for you in all things as shall be most needful and more expedient for you."

"The reason why so many things displease and trouble you is that you are not yet perfectly dead to the world, or fully severed from the love of earthly things. And nothing so much defiles the soul as an unclean love for creatures [humans]."

"The love of creatures [humans] is deceptive and disappointing, but the love of Jesus is faithful and always abiding. He who clings to any creature must of necessity fail as the creature fails. But he who cleaves abidingly to Jesus shall be made firm in Him forever."

"Be pure and clean within, free from the hindrance of any creature, as much as you can, for it behooves you to have a clean and pure heart toward Jesus if you will know and feel how sweet He is."



I don't know who actually takes time to read through these kind of posts, but please pray for me. My heart is still prone to wander and still prone to not tasting and seeing how good Jesus is. Caitlyn said it best when she told me she was praying that "Jesus would be sweeter to me today than he was yesterday."



The hosts, myself, and our sister Nicole.

Let the Nations be Glad! by John Piper

"Don't wait for a feeling of love in order to share Christ with a stranger. You already love your heavenly Father, and you know that this stranger is created by Him, but separated from Him, so take those first steps in evangelism because you love God. It is not primarily out of a compassion for humanity that we share our faith or pray for the lost; it is first of all, love for God." P.61

"We cannot know what prayer is for until we know that life is war." P.70

"The purpose of prayer is to make clear to all the participants in this war that the victory belongs to the Lord. Prayer is God's appointed means of bringing grace to us and glory to himself.....We ask God to do for us through Christ what we can't do for ourselves-bear fruit. Prayer is the open admission that without Christ we can do nothing. And prayer is the turning away from ourselves to God in the confidence that he will provide the help we need." P. 78-79

"Hell is a dreadful reality. To speak of it lightly proves that we do not grasp its horror. I know of no one who has overstated the terrors of hell. We can scarcely surpass the horrid images Jesus used. We are meant to shudder." P.142

"There is a divine wisdom in the timing of God's deliverances from darkness. We should humble ourselves to see it rather than presume to know better how God should deal with a rebellious world." P. 154

truth.

Whatever you're chasing, if it isn't Jesus, when you catch it you still won't be satisfied.

In the path of your judgments,
O Lord, we wait for you;
your name and remembrance
are the desire of our soul.
Isaiah 26:8