I want this prayer answered.

"O Lord, You alone give abundant life. Deliver me from myself. Help me to see how destructive pride is, and how easily I revert to living under the law. Make me aware of how needful, dependent, and imperfect I am. May I continually be in awe of the abounding grace I receive from You. Enable me, Lord, to share Your grace with others. Thank You for never giving up on me. Thank You for Your grace that perfects, confirms, strengthens, and establishes me. May I become a woman of grace who is known for her giving spirit and for her love for You. May I become a gracious woman who attains honor for Your kingdom. I love You, Lord. Amen."

Happy Thanksgiving!

I spent most of the day entertaining this girl. :)

I am thankful for....messiness.

My girl that I've written about before...LOVE HER.

As well as this little cutie who reminds me so much of my cousin Gina...but Mexican.

(my funny faces are getting better!!!!)

(Okay she is such a precious head)

After a long day with a high school group from that cares more about AP classes than these girls....I appreciate how much they let me love on them.

So these pics came from today and let's just say I am (and look) exhausted. My mind has been everywhere, my heart has been restless, and my body barely gets sleep. All internal challenges that, for the most part, a good hair day and mascara can cover up. BUT today I decided I wasn't concerned if I looked a little tired or like my mind was elsewhere. I've been reading "A Praying Life" by Paul Miller and one thing he emphasized was come messy.

Instead of aiming to come to God to experience him and feel 'peace'....what if we came to him just to get to know him? What if we came messy. Came disoriented, weary, overwhelmed, chaotic? In Matthew 11:28 Jesus says "Come all who are weary..." so the criteria for coming to Christ in prayer might just be that, weariness. He continues this idea of not trying to come and get our prayers 'right,' but to take off that spiritual mask, to come to God like a best friend and just say "God. Dude. I am everywhere right now, let me tell you about it."

"In bringing your real self to Jesus, you give him the opportunity to work on the real you, and you will slowly change." P.33

I read this and wanted to practice it....so today I came to God in really chaotic ways. Talked to him about my driver who wasn't that friendly. Talked to him about my lack of energy and need for encouragement. Talked to him about seeing my girls pictured above. Talked to him about my heart being hard towards my group. Talked to him about my life in the bay and what that looks like. Talked to him about helping me be careful with my heart. Even talked to him about helping me have time in the morning to finally shower. I took off that mask and took off this idea that God doesn't really know what's on my heart and instead I told him what he already knows.

I want this to become habit for me and not just with God but with people too.

I'm too messy to pretend like I have it all together.

GIRLS

Was reminded of this post: MY SOUL MATES because I have so much on my mind and I just want to be surrounded by these amazing women to make my cares go awayyyy.

Prayers are appreciated friends. I have BIG decisions to make.

I don't have any pictures of all three of us together. How lame is that!? And I probably won't until my wedding. SO LAME.

Dependence.

"To teach grace is to teach a full and complete dependence upon God to provide according to His infinite love all that is needed by the one who places his trust in Him. The life of such a one must be a God-directed life. And a God-directed life is not one of carelessness and license. There is no indifference to sin in such a life. Only under grace can such a life be lived. But the one who imposes the law upon a believer, whether himself or another, by that very act denies the need of dependence upon God and thereby commits sin."

J. F. Strombeck

So the other day, a middle-aged black man told me...

"My my my you're the prettiest girl I've seen all day."

Things that went through my head:

1. That was the first compliment I've gotten by a stranger in Oakland that wasn't followed by weird-wannabe-seductive look, asking for my number, highly inappropriate sexual comment, or request for money.

2. It's 2pm....so it's not like I was the first girl he saw all day. Sweet!

3. Today I appreciate Oakland.

For the most part, I have a love/hate relationship with Oakland. I hate getting checked out or whistled at (sometimes barked at, true story). I'm far from a model, so I don't understand what about me makes someone think its necessary to bark at me in approval (at 9 in the morning nonetheless). I'm not used to people saying what they think about how I look. I think it might be a cultural thing, who knows.

BUT I thought this was so sincere and sweet and redeemed all of those other situations that made me uncomfortable.

And what girl wouldn't like to be called pretty?

HUMILITY :: PHIL. 2:3-5

"Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus."

I like the NLT version too...

"Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don't look out for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus has."

Things I am Loving [iPhone pics edition]

1. Babies. I want a baby.

2. Fall Weather!

3. Fat Booth App. I could spend hours playing on this.

4. My Funny Friends

5. My Nail Polish, "Mod About You."

What else should I be loving right now???

Isaiah 44:3. Spurgeon.

From my Spurgeon devotional iPhone app thing:

Have you lost the joy of religion, and is this your prayer, "Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation"? Are you conscious also that you are barren, like the dry ground; that you are not bringing forth the fruit unto God which He has a right to expect of you; that you are not so useful in the Church, or in the world, as your heart desires to be?

Then here is exactly the promise which you need, "I will pour water upon him that is thirsty." You shall receive the grace you so much require, and you shall have it to the utmost reach of your needs.

Water refreshes the thirsty: you shall be refreshed; your desires shall be gratified.
Water quickens sleeping vegetable life: your life shall be quickened by fresh grace.
Water swells the buds and makes the fruits ripen; you shall have fructifying grace: you shall be made fruitful in the ways of God.
Whatever good quality there is in divine grace, you shall enjoy it to the full.
All the riches of divine grace you shall receive in plenty; you shall be as it were drenched with it:
and as sometimes the meadows become flooded by the bursting rivers,
and the fields are turned into pools,
so shall you be-the thirsty land shall be springs of water.


"I will pour water upon him that is thirsty."-Isaiah 44:3

results!

Very successful morning!

home sweet home....and Oakland.

I was able to go home last weekend to get my car working like new again. While there I got to go to my parent's awesome Halloween party and catch up with friends. It was such a blessing and great mid-fall necessity.

Myself, Deborah, and Lindsey.

I made my costume just by hot glueing some black feathers to a tank top and tutu. The tutu was more like a petticoat type thing to wear under a Halloween costume...hence it was see through....so I de-hoochied it by adding feathers. I was Black Swan if you couldn't tell. Still haven't seen the movie, so I'm a poser. Oh well. Also haven't worn that much black eye makeup since I was on dance team in high school. Ugh.

My dark bff Mae, helping me look more pale.

GRACE

He will wait to be gracious; he will wait till you return to him and seek his face, and then he will be ready to meet you with mercy. He will wait, that he may do it in the best and fittest time, when it will be most for his glory, when it will come to you with the most pleasing surprise. He will continually follow you with his favors, and not let slip any opportunity to be gracious to you.

-Matthew Henry

I can't stop thinking about this verse.

Isaiah 30.

I love when God speaks to me through His Word.

Isaiah 59:1-2 Behold the Lord's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save, or his ear dull, that it cannot hear; but your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden his face from you so that he does not hear.

16 The Lord saw it, and it displeased him that there was no justice. He saw that there was no man, and wondered that there was no one to intercede; then his own arm brought salvation, and his righteousness upheld him.

Isaiah 60: 1-2 Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you. For behold, darkness shall cover the earth, and thick darkness the peoples; but the Lord will arise upon you, and his glory will be seen upon you.

15 Whereas you have been forsaken and hated, with no one passing through, I will make you majestic forever, a joy from age to age.

21 Your people shall all be righteous; they shall possess the land forever, the branch of my planting, the work of my hands, that I might be glorified.

Isaiah 61: 1 The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound.

3 That they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.

my two loves.

Spurgeon devotional; exactly what I need to hear.

"God is jealous."-Nahum 1:2

Your Lord is very jealous of your love, O believer. Did He choose you? He cannot bear that you should choose another. Did He buy you with His own blood? He cannot endure that you should think that you are your own, or that you belong to this world. He loved you with such a love that He would not stop in heaven without you; He would sooner die than you should perish, and He cannot endure that anything should stand between your heart's love and Himself. He is very jealous of your trust. He will not permit you to trust in an arm of flesh. He cannot bear that you should hew out broken cisterns, when the overflowing fountain is always free to you. When we lean upon Him, He is glad, but when we transfer our dependence to another, when we rely upon our own wisdom, or the wisdom of a friend-worst of all, when we trust in any works of our own, He is displeased, and will chasten us that He may bring us to Himself. He is also very jealous of our company. There should be no one with whom we converse so much as with Jesus. To abide in Him only, this is true love; but to commune with the world, to find sufficient solace in our carnal comforts, to prefer even the society of our fellow Christians to secret communication with Him, this is grievous to our jealous Lord. He would fain have us abide in Him, and enjoy constant fellowship with Himself; and many of the trials which He sends us are for the purpose of weaning our hearts from the creature, and fixing them more closely upon Himself. Let this jealousy which would keep us near to Christ be also a comfort to us, for if He loves us so much as to care thus about our love we may be sure that He will suffer nothing to harm us, and will protect us from all our enemies. Oh that we may have grace this day to keep our hearts in sacred chastity for our Beloved alone, with sacred jealousy shutting our eyes to all the fascinations of the world!

I hate

death and cancer and pain.

THE LEASE OF THESE PT.2

From When Helping Hurts.

Pray to see people created in the image of God, with self-worth and dignity.

North Americans need to overcome the materialism of Western culture and see poverty in more relational terms.

It is important to work from a perspective that we are all created in the image of God, that we are all broken, and that we can experience Christ's reconciliation.

We do have much to share out of our knowledge and experiences, but oftentimes the materially poor have an even deeper walk with God and have insights and experiences that they can share with us, if we would just stop talking and listen.

LUKE 24

I am so close to finishing reading the entire bible. A few more OT books and I'm golden. Finished Luke today. Liked this the most:

"Was it not necessary that the Christ should suffer these things and enter into his glory?' And beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he interpreted to them in all the Scriptures the things concerning himself." Luke 24:26-27

I love this so much. I loved my Bible classes and to think of what it would be/will be like to sit down with Jesus as my own private tutor, of His book, showing me from the beginning all the ways in which he has fulfilled prophecy. Shoot. Dang. That. Is. Good. Jesus come quick please.

a call to specific prayers.

There is a general kind of praying which fails for lack of precision. It is as if a regiment of soldiers should all fire off their guns anywhere. Possibly somebody would be killed, but the majority of the enemy would be missed.

-Charles Spurgeon

Whenever I have prayed earnestly, I have been heard and have obtained more than I prayed for. God sometimes delays, but He always comes.

-Martin Luther

i want to pray like this.

pray for my prayers to be big, specific, and full of faith.

THE LEAST OF THESE

What is the task of the church? We are to embody Jesus Christ by doing what He did and what He continues to do through us: declare-using both words and deeds- that Jesus is the King of kings and Lord of lords who is bringing in a kingdom of righteousness, justice, and peace. And the church needs to do this where Jesus did it, among the blind, the lame, the sick and outcast, and the poor.

From When Helping Hurts by Steve Corbett.

lamentations 3: 22-26

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion, " says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.


.today's mercies.
*best friend date. coffee, breakfast, talking for hours in person! :)
*sunshine and a swimming pool. California, you are good to me.
*celebrating spontaneity with the last of the roommates by going to the city in the middle of the night (hence the late update).
*Jesus being sweeter to me today than he was yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that.




right now there are 15 days until i will be home to: have coffee dates, struggle to hold my dogs and kiss them, spend hours with grandma, sing along to bieber and eminem with cousins, go to a real beach, see my favorite teenagers, and enjoy the art of doing nothing.

Jesus take the wheel.

LUKE 5: 27-28

After this he (Jesus) went out and saw a tax collector named Levi, sitting at the tax booth. And he said to him, "Follow me." And leaving everything, he rose and followed him.

passion.

The other day I was asked by a friend how he could be praying for me and I said 'to have more compassion.' Following that I experienced something awesome. I was waiting in the lobby of an SRO for my group to come down from delivering meals and right as they went upstairs, the man they were delivering it to came into the lobby. He decided to wait for them to return. As he waited I was able to make conversation with him which eventually led to him showing me a bag full of beads and gems that he makes into bracelets. He told me all about the beads and how he uses a bowl to help string them on because his left hand doesn't work, his girlfriend showed him how to make bracelets before she passed away, and how he's doing it now as his passion.

He told me a story of him making a bracelet and no one wanting to buy them because people thought he stole them. He told me how you heat treat topaz to make it blue. He even suggested that next time I bring a group he could show us how to make bracelets. He was a sweetheart. I was able to get the same route the next day so I told him I would stop by with my group and see his bracelets. When I arrived to that specific SRO, he was in the lobby waiting! With three bracelets to show me! He let me pick one out for free. It was the sweetest thing ever, such a precious head.

I love getting to see people be passionate about what they do.

FAITHFUL

God is so faithful and good. I am abounding in "God moments" this week. Those times when you feel the presence of God so strongly, teaching me and encouraging me by using those around me. Lord keep it coming.

How can I not trust in Him as sole provider for me? There are too many ways He's proved Himself worthy of affection, glory, honor, etc.

My heart needs more compassion and He provides.

My heart needs a wake up call in trusting Him alone with my future, and He provides.

My heart needs to remember my passions, and He provides.

My heart needs the heaviness lifted and some ridiculous humor/joy, and He definitely provides.

This week is great.

20 days until I'm home and August is turning out to be the best month yet.

prayer.

hey Jesus, take the things that keep my heart from running after You.

I DID IT

I did it. I have successfully completed my first surprise week as a full-time City Director. I say surprise because my boss went into labor and birthed her child (a beautiful baby girl) one month sooner than expected. This meant that my longer term position here (as her stand in for maternity leave) happened one month faster than expected.

This means I pretty much wore the same thing 3 days straight, used Starbucks French Roast to stay awake, kept my hair as manageable as possible (braids braids braids), and have large bags under my eyes for the first time (ain't no under eye concealer going to cover these bad boys). All while blasting worship music as I figured things out. Typical.

Luckily God is SO GOOD ALL THE TIME and I was showered with mercy this week.

Sites cancelled, but better ones became available.
The people I emailed, emailed me back (this is a big deal).
The baby, mom, and dad are all healthy and well!
I have great roommates and friends who are willing to help out.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28



Today I was able to be in the Tenderloin to deliver meals. As I waited for my group in the lobby, I started people watching. I put my phone away (which unfortunately is usually my way of getting out of making eye contact) and noticed a blind man walking out from the lobby onto the sidewalk. He just stood there with that white and red stick and called out to people as they walked by because he thought he knew them. They looked at him like he was crazy and just kept walking. These weren't white rich people, they were neighbors in the TL like him. I don't know why it affected me so much, or what God was trying to show me through this, but I just felt the weight of depravity SO much in that one situation.


I'm glad God isn't done working on me. I'm glad that my heart still beats and breaks.

Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller

"What is an idol? It is anything more important to you than God, anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God, anything you seek to give you what only God can give."

"The most painful times in our lives are times in which our idols are being threatened or removed....Something is safe for us to maintain in our lives only if it has really stopped being an idol. That can happen only when we are truly willing to live without it, when we truly say from the heart: 'Because I have God, I can live without you.'"

"When people say, "I know God forgives me, but I can't forgive myself," they mean that they have failed an idol, whose approval is more important to them than God's."

"Idolatry is not just a failure to obey God, it is a setting of the whole heart on something besides God. This cannot be remedied only by repenting that you have an idol, or using willpower to try to live differently. Turning from idols is not less than those two things, but it is also far more. Jesus must become more beautiful to your imagination, more attractive to your heart, than your idol. That is what will replace your counterfeit god. "

pray for these faces.

pray for these kids. there are going to be a lot of transitions for them in the upcoming week and they need to be covered and supported in prayer.

thanks friends.

absent.

I am not doing a great job at regularly updating this thing. But I have several reasons why I haven't gotten around to an adequate update.

1. I've finished reading these:

2. I've had visitors!

3. And basically just spending time exploring San Francisco more. Got a library card, found my favorite coffee shop, etc.

Real update soon. Maybe.

SUMMER STAFF

i like these people. mmm.

c o n v i c t i o n

I stayed up pretty late last night talking to God. I had just read a blog post by a professor from Biola about big prayers vs. small prayers. The post started off by saying "what we pray for is usually what we live for."

That was convicting to say the least.

I look at my prayers for the last month: health, safety, friendships, etc. All good things. But where are my prayers for health followed by "so that I can do God's work with full passion and energy to never give up pursuing the declaration of His name." Or for friendships followed by "so that the body of Christ would work together to glorify Him, attack sin, and pursue purity and righteousness in all truth and love."

Where are my prayers for the people I meet besides just a name drop or "Lord be with Ben"? Where do I write or say "God I hate injustice and hate that people like Ben are unable to work and have the comforts of a warm bed and security. I hate Lord that people walk by him thinking he is dirty and scary. Lord I hate the injustice. Redeem Ben, redeem humanity, stir up a deep desire for compassion within us to look upon injustice with hatred and look towards You alone for a solution. To rely on You for full compassion and rely on You for grace and mercy in this."

What we pray for is usually what we live for.

bad good week? good bad week?

I'm not sure yet how to classify this week/weekend. A really good, bad week. Or a really bad, good week.

I went home for a break between spring and summer season, and while it was nice to see some of my friends.....the majority of it felt rushed. I realized a week isn't long enough to see everyone I want or do all the things I hoped to do. I didn't even get to play with my pups Kanye and Zac. I wanted to spend more time just lounging around and finishing books on my reading list.

Instead I saw two different people each day all week for frozen yogurt, coffee, beach trips, youth night, hanging out, lunch, etc. I was exhausted by the time I drove back and wasn't really ready to leave. (I decided the next time I come home, I'm not telling people.)

At the same time, I was done and ready to come back to the bay. This place has been my home for the last month, and it has been a really good home to me. I have roommates that all love Jesus and serving Him, my bosses pray for me before I start a new task or errand or host a group, etc. The other day in the office, Kim got an email about some housing stuff in another city where CSM has a base, asked us (her husband and myself) immediately to stop and pray for them. Really?! I also may have mentioned this before, but the last church that came made me feel so at home with their group. I was included in and welcomed so quickly by them as their sister and it was comforting as I was getting especially homesick the last week. I think God has used them tremendously to show me what 'family' means among believers.

__________________________________________

This week, after leaving home, I've felt the difference of being here and being 'home'......
Here I'm serving churches, focusing on Jesus for strength/energy, and realizing all the things about this city that I love. Each time I cross over the bay bridge into the city I think to myself "I will never get tired of this view." I love this place. I love getting other people to love this place. I love feeling unsafe and uncomfortable here. It reminds me that this world is not my home.

Then immediately I feel the attack of ish that is left behind.
I've been wrestling in prayer about the bonds I created with students I used to disciple and no longer can, and feeling the anger and frustration towards me because of that. I struggle at home with feeling so comfortable and complacent that my need for Jesus isn't that present. I struggle with friends moving on and losing that extra ear to ask for prayer. I think I'm scared that home isn't home anymore.


Example of the double life I feel like I'm living:
I fell asleep last night after seeing something stupid and dumb on facebook that includes friends back home. It immediately put me in a sour mood for the night/morning. I asked for prayer from my prayer partners. Then I'm in the city all day today with brothers and sisters who are doing amazing things and saying insightful things. I return to texts from my other brothers and sisters from last week encouraging me and reminding me of God's redemption.

It's just a hard balance right now.
I want to cry and shout for joy at the same time.

This has been a bad good week.

be encouraged.

This is the last week of our spring season. After Saturday, I pack up, say goodbye, and head home for a week. It's bizarre. I'm co-hosting this week's group with Kelly, in the pic above. She's also staying this summer. She also is gracious enough to let me borrow her north face jackets anytime I please because I still cannot get used to the wind.

I couldn't have asked for a better last group though. Seriously. This group is from Fremont which is only 20 minutes south of Oakland. They are so goofy and fun and biblical and optimistic. My kind of people. This week is only halfway through and I really don't know if I could have ended on a better note.

Things that have encouraged me this week (yes, imma brag):

-The youth pastor of the Fremont group asked me bright and early Monday morning how their church (the ones on the actual mission trip) can be praying for me this week. When you hear something like that, you already know your group is gonna be awesome.

-A youth pastor I previously worked with my sophomore year at biola, from long beach, is here this week with his youth group. We caught up and chatted about ministry styles and the changes in their own group. I forgot how awesome and pleasant he was to talk to and was able to chat for about 30 minutes with him. He totally encouraged me in saying that he enjoyed having me work there so much because I brought a personality with me that they had never been able to get with other leaders and that I did a great job at leading my small group.

-One of the workers at the salvation army, Richard, said I was a great leader and knew that whenever I was bringing groups there they were in good hands.

-My aunt Julie replied to an email update saying how proud she was of me and knew that I would be doing an amazing job here and 'they' would love me.

-Adieba, my girl from the rescue mission who wrote that poem I posted a few entries back, straight up told me I was 'her girl' and her favorite. I HAVE ARRIVED.

-Awesome people asking how they can pray for me. Deb, this includes you.

-Jesus being good and allowing me to fully enjoy this week and my hosts and Him! Taste and see that He is good!


SO MUCH ENCOURAGEMENT! And all within like, 2 days!
I'm ready to finish strong.